


House of Hearts and Songs

by windsoffreedom



Category: 2min - Fandom, SHINee, jongkey - Fandom
Genre: Angst, Breakups, Fluff, Other, Post-breakup, SHINee - Freeform, Tough Times, kpop, probable depression, sad Jonghyun, sad Key
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-04-22
Updated: 2016-01-29
Packaged: 2018-03-25 06:16:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Underage
Chapters: 3
Words: 6,233
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3799996
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/windsoffreedom/pseuds/windsoffreedom
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A JongKey songfic, dedicated to JongKey fans and the pairing itself. </p><p>"It was a cry from a broken heart, a sound like a dying angel singing it’s last tunes. Inside, Kibum was hurting, sobbing and for once in a very long while he felt it too, heart to heart."</p><p>* This fan fiction is based of real life people and idols. The pairings and controversies however, are completely fan-made. This fic plays on LGBTQ themes and characters. I do not intend to put down the JongKyung ship or deny that any of it was true. This is a fictional piece and is based on the JongKey ship which I support.<br/>Update December 2017<br/>On hiatus</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Take a Bow

He watched as Key stepped on stage, all in black, the color of strength but also…the color of grief. The beautiful man lifted the mic to his lips and as the music started, he sang. Sadness flowed through his heart and he snapped up from his gaze at the floor in shock. The emotion permeated the hall like ripple after ripple and each time he heard Kibum’s voice, each time he belted a soft melody, pain and hurt filled his being. His chest was beginning to feel tight and it was only the start of the song. It wasn’t just the song choice or the fact that the instrumental sounded just as melancholy but it was the slow beauty in his voice, the sadness and devastation that was so well hidden yet quite obviously plain to anyone who had emotion. No one needed to be a musician to understand how especially strong feelings were conveyed in a song, the voice and tone itself was enough. It was a cry from a broken heart a sound like a dying angel singing its last tunes. Inside, Kibum was hurting, sobbing and for once in a very long while he felt it too, heart to heart.

  
**Trying to apologize,**  
**You're so ugly when you cry...**

He was sure the other members could hear and feel it too, Taemin was looking out at the crowd and he probably felt sad but he never let it slip… _as usual_. Onew seemed to be ignoring him even as he turned his gaze over each of them, choosing to lean on the stage setting, his eyes down-turned to his feet where his covered shoe toe tapped to the slow beat of the music. Minho shot him a sympathetic look, attempting a sort of smile just to lighten the mood but to no avail. The four of them knew and he knew very well that this song was undoubtedly meant for Jonghyun himself.

  
**Please…just cut it out…**

At the pause after _"Please"_ , he felt himself crack a bit. There it was, in his face, the closest it came to a verbal smack. Key was fed up, tired of being unhappy. Tired of having his heart broken by someone he had obviously loved so much but who cared so little for him. The thought hit him full force and he felt guilty, so very guilty.

  
**Don't tell me you're sorry 'cause you're not**  
**Baby when I know you're only sorry you got caught**  


Kibum’s voice was so beautiful, effeminate, even now it was not raw - no Key would never let himself sound uncultured. His first impression would always be of a delicate one, his style was a soft caress, smooth like a pearl and light like a feather with a little kick of spice underlying. He had always loved Key’s voice but Kibum himself never thought so, so he rarely ever sung on his own. 

It was true, he did get caught with her and he did apologize like the sad mutt he was, in the rain. How ironic that the song spoke of exactly what had transpired between him and his ex-boyfriend. But he was not sorry; sure, he was upset at how Key had found out about it, then again this relationship was not of his doing and he did not love the woman he was involved with. The faster it ended the better. He wondered if it would make any difference if their love was not forbidden, if it was accepted?

  
**But you put on quite a show**  
**Really had me going**  
**But now it's time to go**  
**Curtain's finally closing**  
**That was quite a show**  
**Very entertaining**  
**But it's over now**  
**Go on and take a bow**

 _No, it’s not true, it was not a show, I was not leading you on and I didn’t lie when I said I really loved you. I still love you, Goddamnit Key!_ He bit his lip, willing himself to sit through the concert. There was no schedule for him to be ditching for this time. No orders for another drama to spend time with the actress. However, since he’d come back from his publicized rendezvous this was as harsh a greeting as he’d anticipated, probably even worse because of how much it made him just want to run out to his forsaken lover, wrap his arms around him and soothe him with his love. It was difficult, very difficult to act indifferent and distant towards his team mates and like a puppy to his girlfriend. Even more to turn a blind eye to the feelings of Kibum and to also take on the unsaid opinions of the other members who’d grown so much like family to him all these years. But he had no choice, it had to be done, what weighed on the other end if he did not do as was said would kill him and SHINee literally. 

He could imagine how Key felt, betrayed, unwanted, depressed, broken. All their years and time together for nothing. What did their relationship mean to Jonghyun? Was it all a lie? A joke?

  
**Grab your clothes and get gone**  
**You better hurry up**  
**Before the sprinklers c’mon**  
**Talking' bout'**  
**Girl, I love you, you're the one**  
**This just looks like a re-run**  
**Please, what else is on**

Key was telling him to get out of his life. He could not bring himself to do it. He’d keep his distance but no he could not and would not ever leave Key. Never. The press would probably go bonkers for this, soak up news about Kibum’s sad live performance. The company would earn more after tonight, that was what they wanted anyway. Sick. 

  
**Don't tell me you're sorry 'cause you're not**  
**Baby when I know you're only sorry you got caught**  
**But you put on quite a show**

Jonghyun did not need to be fluent in English, he understood this song well enough. He regretted hiding the truth from SHINee and Key and for all that he’d done he was willing to take the bashing. As he watched Key sing his heart and soul out to the crowd, pouring every bit of emotion and devastation into each word, he imagined what it would be like if Kibum were in his arms, his once more, his partner, would he hit him or bang his fists against his chest and cry insults at him? Maybe, but all that mattered was how Key felt, he wanted to see Kibum happy again. It was not remorse, he would never redeem himself for hurting Key but he concealed it.

  
**Really had me going**  
**But now it's time to go**  
**Curtain's finally closing**  
**That was quite a show**  
**Very entertaining**  
**But it's over now…**  
**Go on and take a bow**

There was a little more confidence as Key sang now, like he was gaining a little more sun shine from the cheering fans. The Syawol family was always there to support them and he was thankful for that. If this was an outlet for Key to help him move on, Jjong would be supportive, even if Key left him for good. As long as he was happy Jjong would bear the thorn in his heart, the tearing away of his happier, innocent youth. He’d do it all gladly for Key. The tears were building up now, he couldn’t breathe and there was only an incredible crushing feeling of guilt wracking through his heart. Desperately, he took deep breaths, giving it away to the others was not an option. _Oh Key, I love you…I’m sorry…Mianhae, Saranghaeyo, Mianhae, Mianhae…_

  
**Whoa Oh, and the award for**  
**The best lie goes..to you..**  
**For making me, believe**  
**That you could be, Faithful, to me…**  
**Let's hear your speech, oh**

The dynamics, the dips and waves and the softness and loudness of his voice was perfect, moving, to anyone with the coldest heart. Hearing his voice crack the slightest, made his heart sink even further, he was really crying. Kibum had that magic, that sincerity, the truth. And Jjong was a liar. _The best lie goes to you he scoffed at himself you deserve this. Faithful.._ that one word resonated in his mind. He’d cheated, as plain as day and he could remember the look on Taemin’s face when they found out. “How could you do that to Kibum? To us? Why hyung?” And Jinki’s reaction…”I thought you were more responsible than that, Jonghyun” and Minho who had only stared at the ground in disbelief. At that time he’d simply walked out of the room, said nothing and left them there without any other words. When they’d ask again, he would just shrug and not answer, he wouldn’t give too much of an explanation and thus they grew apart. SHINee became rifted, four members and then Jonghyun, who seemed distracted all the time. He was alone, further away even though their leader tried to maintain their five Bling image. That was even before Key found out.

  
**How about a round of applause,**

Jonghyun’s mind was filled with emotions and memories, the facade was falling. The wave of raw sorrow was all he could feel, the world was getting more hushed out under the roar of blood past his ears and the pounding against his ribs. His vision was getting blurry and a few stray tears slipped past, he quickly rubbed them away as if he was scratching at an itch. Crying, he’d held back from the initial pain of breaking up with Key but this took it to a whole new level.

  
**A standing ovation**

As the audience’s screams drowned out the music and Taemin, Onew and Minho strained to look out, he took his chance. Getting up from where he sat backstage, he made his way, quickly, to the men’s. Minho watched him leave, somewhat concerned and Jjong felt his gaze on his rapidly retreating back. All the while he kept his eyes to the floor, not wanting to alert any attention as busy stage crew brushed past. The corridor to the rest rooms was more quiet and here he could hear Kibum’s singing albeit muffled and the vibrations of the bass through the walls. Pushing the door open and hardly looking where he was going, he stumbled into a cubicle and sat down, locking himself in. Here and now he could cry, without trying to be manly and he wept more than he ever did in his whole 22 years of life.

  
**But you put on quite a show…**  
**Really had me going**  
**Now it's time to go**  
**Curtain's finally closing**

There was a five minute interval before the group was to appear. Enough time as he sobbed, hands shielding his eyes, taking raspy breaths, his frame shaking as he let his pent up stress, pain and love out. Five minutes to relive his feelings into a soggy wet tissue and then clean up with powder and pretend like nothing ever happened. He cried for all the things he’d done to himself and Kibum and he cried for all the more disappointing things that were to come. Sure, fans would back him and this relationship but when all was said and done, would Kibum and the rest of SHINee still look at him the same way? Would Kibum know that he was the only singular most important thing in his life? 

Be smart and lie low, that was what his manager had said. Since the manager hyung’s were the ones who strived to take care of their idols, it was good advice.

  
**That was quite a show**  
**Very entertaining**  
**(But it's over now)**  
**Go on and take a bow**  
**But it's o..ver now…**

Kibum waved goodbye, bowing in the ending as the song finished and mic in hand he headed back stage. Jjong tottered in a few seconds earlier to join the three who congratulated Key with smiles and Taemin who hugged the rather breathless performer. Minho patted Jjong on the back, a silent message to console him and also a question if he was alright. Jonghyun nodded without looking back. He did not want to become a waterfall again. As the coordi-noonas called to them to get ready, they turned, squeezing slightly in the rather narrow pathway. For a moment, Key and Jonghyun’s eyes met. Jjong was certain Key looked a little teary and there was no mistaking that Key saw the redness in the other’s eyes. A little hint of wonder, concern, confusion and shock flashed through those dark orbs but they were quickly replaced with a mask of indifference and Kibum broke the gaze, turning away and looking down, he jogged to the front of the line to walk with Jinki and Jonghyun followed demurely behind the others. The show must go on.


	2. Boku wa Kimi ni Koi wo Suru, I Give You My Love

**Moshi mo negai ga kanau nara**  
**Kimi no kanashimi wo**  
**Boku no mune no nakani**  
**Sosogi konde kudasai**  
**Sono itami naraba**  
**Boku wa tae rareru**

When the start of the music came on and SHINee’s star singer sang the first few words to the ballad, Kibum found himself rather shocked. It was a sad song and a love song no less. His heart fluttered a little but then rational thought kicked in and he stamped out those long forgotten emotions. Jong had recently separated from _his_ Sekyung and as fast as it had been announced, rumors about it being a setup to promote her upcoming movie, spread like wild fire. But Key being stubborn as he was ignored them and tonight, as he assumed, Jonghyun was serenading his ex-lover because he had loved and missed her so much.

It was a few months since Key let out his unspoken feelings to the masses with his solo and since then he’d been feeling much better. Getting it off his chest somewhat had eased him and he started to take care of himself more, to the joy of their concerned group leader. He’d been thankful of the busy schedules and pile up of work following that had also helped distract him and he’d gone numb to anything about their past and previous relationship.

A soft thump alerted him from his thoughts and he turned his head to catch the source of the noise, Minho who was leaning out from the shadows of backstage the most, had accidentally knocked over a small stage prop and was hastily bending to retrieve it. He sheepishly attempted to put it back but from what Kibum observed, it was probably broken. Giving up, Minho quietly distanced himself and continued to watch Jonghyun on stage, perhaps he hoped no one would notice. Meanwhile, Taemin was taking a sip of banana milk from the packet that Key had brought along for him, inwardly Kibum was glad that he could still seem like a motherly figure to Taemin especially, even as he got older. Taemin and Minho had travelled to Osaka with him a day after Jonghyun arrived to get ready for the concert. Jinki who arrived that afternoon was probably in hair and makeup with coordi-noonas. He was supposed them any time now as SHINee would have a full group performance right after this first item. 

Turning his attention away from the members he focused his ears once more on JJong’s song. As usual, he always started calm and composed, strong as a singer. Key listened on, there was no hurt judging his team member’s skills, from a professional point of view, he wanted to be blown away.

 **Mirai egaku chizu mo nakushite shimau**  
**Chippo kena boku dake redo**  
**Kimi wo…mitsuketa…**

_When future memories of me and you are lost, I would still have seen a part of you, I would still have remembered how you had been. And all those times that we have been happy together…_ This was just the build up to the chorus, a little appetizer to the real anguish that he would serve with this song…but it was the truth. It was his love and he knew very well by now that love _hurt_. Key probably didn’t want him back, what he’d done was despicable, Jonghyun knew that he didn’t deserve to even be acknowledged anymore. In the future, Kibum would move on, forget about him and their ‘summer fling’. It hurt to think of it that way but right now it was all that he could imagine. At least he’d gotten to know the foxy, sassy diva..at least he would hold his memories dear to him. At least they had loved, even if it was just for a precious, golden, little while.

Jjong had been shoving his feelings away for more than half a year. As he expected, he had been obedient enough and in due time, was ‘released’. Now he was free. Free to gradually return to who he truly was and hopefully mend the damage to the bond with his members and polish up his now slightly, tarnished image. Something was not the same however, Jonghyun wasn’t the innocent puppy he was anymore, he hadn’t come out of this unscathed. Having a relationship with someone so important to him and then breaking it had left him cracked somewhere, not that he did not recover, he had, slightly, but inside he felt he couldn’t be as naive or ruthless as he was before. Maybe he had matured but the pain that had come with it came at a great cost.

He would not dare to imagine that he would get his feelings across to the ones closest to him, to Key, but he was going to let it all out tonight. Now there was a dual reason for him to grieve and he would, with all the ounce of strength he had in him, he would sing truly and sincerely. _Kibum…saranghae…this is the truth…and I’m sorry things ended that way, I’m sorry…._

 **Sayonara**  
**Arigatou**  
**Suki dayo**  
**Suki dayo**  
**Sayonara**  
**Waratte yo**  
**Naku nayo**  
**Baka dana**

 _Kibum…I understand if you don’t want to be friends again, goodbye to what had happened before. Don’t think about it...don’t think about me, don’t cry, be happy. Kibum, happy._ Now the dam was breaking and Jong felt the wave of emotions rush up and swell and spill over. He wanted to pretend he was okay and he would get through this song without breaking down too much but he wasn’t sure now. _Silly Key, don’t cry, silly Bummie._ Jonghyun had happened to see Key crying when he was alone and now he was telling Key not to cry but it seemed, more and more that he was trying to convince himself to not do the same. 

**Tsutae tai**  
**Kotoba wa**  
**Tome donaku**  
**Afure ru**  
**Nando mo**  
**Nando demo….**  
**Boku wa kimi ni koi wo suru**

_Don’t cry…_ It was like a soft whisper, the way a breeze lingers in the ear as it passes and fades. Kibum heard it but felt it more. A distant reminder about the hole in his heart that was once made of naive and lively things but now dusty and untouched like an attic full of old nostalgia. He shivered, he was doing fine, no trip down memory lane was necessary. This was meant for someone else, not him. 

He did however, understand the lyrics, it was well chosen, he thought, as the linguist went through the meaning of the Japanese words. _Words that I want to convey are flowing endlessly. No matter how many times, I fall in love with you._ It didn’t quite fit and Key wondered if Jong hadn’t meant it for Shin Sekyung at all. He didn’t want to get his hopes up and then have them shattered if he asked for the truth. Did Jonghyun want to say something? Why didn’t he say it then? Kibum shook his head and inched closer to where he could see the performer and observed, quietly.

 **Kimi no negai ga kanau nara**  
**Subetesa sageru to kokoro kara ieru**  
**Boku ga inaku nattemo kieru koto nai**  
**Koi itoni somaru kokoro**  
**Kimi to mitsu keta**

 **Sayonara**  
**Arigato**  
**Gomen ne**  
**Suki dayo**  
**Sayonara**  
**Waratte yo**  
**Okonnayo**  
**Baka dana**  
**Koishii kurushii**  
**Itoshii ja tari nai**  
**Nando mo**  
**Nando demo**  
**Boku wa kimi to koisuru**

Jinki came jogging up to the three backstage members and Key who was by now engrossed with watching Jonghyun’s performance, spared him a glance while Taemin and Minho turned back to acknowledge their leader’s arrival. Kibum secretly envied how fresh, spirited and slightly clueless Jinki looked compared to him and the others, Kibum's skin was starting to get sweaty and he really itched for a shower. “What’s going on now?” Jinki asked peeking out slightly “Is it Jonghyun’s item?” Minho nodded and replied. “Uh yeah, we’re in the middle of it and we’ve got about two minutes or more before Ring Ding Dong”. Taemin nodded in agreement. A surge of amplifying cries from the crowd tugged their attention out to the stage once more. Key who was starting to wander off into his own world a bit, snapped up to look at what was happening. Although Jonghyun’s back was turned to them, from the glare of the spotlights, Key could tell that his cheeks were wet. Certainly the syawols had noticed that Jong was about tearing up. It wasn’t very surprising but Jjong really hadn’t been so emotional on stage up till recently. _He’s really really sad huh?_ Was the resounding echo in Kibum’s, Minho’s and Taemin’s minds although Onew knew better. 

**Koi suru hitomi to**  
**Ai suru itami wo**  
**Kimi ga boku ni kureta**  
**Kagayaki wasure nai**  
**Zutto…………….**

Jonghyun’s eyelids were squeezed shut at this point. It was not because he was being rude, it was not even because of the bright overhead lights shining right into his semi strained eyes. He just kept looking down, towards himself, inwardly afraid that if he looked up to face the fans, that he’d start sobbing, unable to finish this heartfelt song. There was something about looking down that held his tears back, even if a little, he wouldn’t let the lump in his throat choke his words out, no, not yet. The pounding, aching, weight on his heart was building escaping into the lyrics, into his voice and the soul of the song. _Zu-tto, forever_ , and it was as if the whole hall had suddenly turned a blinding white, his emotions blanked out the cries of the fans and the crescendo of the music and the tremor of his bleeding heart rang out through his power note like the shock waves of an earthquake. Jonghyun couldn’t hear himself or anything anymore, everything was being stripped away and for a moment there was no Kim Jonghyun, no fear of holding back his true feelings, for a moment in space and time, the only thing that existed was burning, paining, purifying, raw emotion and a single name. 

**Sayonara, arigatou**  
**Suki dayo, suki dayo**  
**Sayonara, waratte yo**  
**Naku nayo, baka dana**  
**Tsutae tai, kotoba wa**  
**Tome do naku afureru**  
**Nando mo**  
**Nando demo**  
**Boku wa kimi ni…koi wosuru**

His mic hand dropped limply to his side for a few seconds, as if all his strength had flown from him as the song progressed. Jonghyun had no idea how long he had pulled the power note and at that point, it was the last thing he was worried about, there seemed to be a shattering feeling like his glass heart had fallen to the floor in pieces. The remnants of love left behind, guilt of their breakup and yet foremost, an under-known appreciation, a thankful feeling for all that had been in their relationship, it sounded much like his own biography; painfully close at that. Undeniably, the sob in his voice as the song neared its end was clear, strikingly obvious to his members backstage and to Key who felt an overwhelming, crushing, numbing sadness even though he looked away and tried to brush it off.

 **Sayonara, mata aou**  
**Gomen ne, suki dayo**  
**Sayonara, waratte yo**  
**Okonnayo, baka dana**  
**Koishii kurushii**  
**Toshii ja tari nai**  
**Nando mo**  
**Nando demo, sakebu yo**  
**Suki dayo…..**  
**Sayonara…**

Jonghyun looked without looking, cried without knowing, it was only as the piano doled out the melodious trail to end of the song did he notice the vast amounts of water leaking from his eyes, his chest was still heaving and the cavity behind his ribs seemed to be sinking like the Titanic with each sorrowful beat. It was extremely hard to not cry and to not disrupt his solo with a waterfall of weeping so he clenched his jaw, swallowed his heart and put on a brave face as last few rebellious drops of salty liquid streamed down his cheek. The syawols in front rose, cheering for him and most of the hall gave him a standing ovation. The rest of SHINee were softly clapping too, backstage and Key who was still intently looking at Jonghyun blinked away a stray tear.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The reference of the scenes within this chapter, originates from SHINee's 111124 SWC concert in Osaka Japan. I apologize for any mistakes in the description of the events or sequence of the performances as I wasn't able to follow up on their concerts during that year. So the depictions of things that take place here in the fic may not exactly be what actually happened. I take an excuse for artistic license XD.


	3. So Goodbye, My City Hunter

His breath escaped his lips in little puffs of mist and Jonghyun huddled further into his winter coat and scarf. The streets of Omotesando in Tokyo city were quiet and free of the usual trooping of hundreds of people, locals and tourists alike. From outside of the large window panes of the high street brands which lined the area, Jonghyun could see the busy shoppers and sales persons, tending to the season’s early shopping spree. People were less likely to stay outdoors during the twilight hours but cars and cabs, casually parked, lined the roadside pavements and several vehicles still zipped by along with the occasional pedestrian, hurrying home from work. No one turned to stare or gape or snap pictures at the idol as he walked. Omotesando was a place of youthful fashion and Jonghyun merely looked like one of the many trendy young men who had adopted western fashion to devoted extents. 

A gust of bone-chilling breeze blew past and Jonghyun felt his legs, ears and hands turn numb, stiff and cold as ice sticks. Even his thick leggings and gloves could not quite keep out the biting cold. Worse still, was the void feeling of emptiness and the lack of warmth in his heart, it made him feel lonely and he wished that at least Minho or Taemin had come along. He longed to feel the closeness of another, familiar human being, regardless of whether they paid him any attention. Another, less intense wind swept the pavement and Jonghyun instinctively, shrunk into the insulation of his winter wear, remembering that he had skipped lunch to rehearse instead. He sighed inwardly, reminding himself that he needed to keep to a healthy regimen, especially when they toured during winter. 

**So goodbye, don't cry and smile**  
**Gaseum silideon**  
**Sigandeul moduda bonaejulgeoya**  
**So goodbye**  
**Harumseo**  
**Wae ittona**  
**Nan naega pilyohae**  
**I need your love again…**

At a traffic junction, Jonghyun paused to wait for the lights to change, keeping an eye on the countdown while surveying the lit sign boards atop malls and shopping pavilions. One of them advertised SHINee’s tour and Jonghyun noted that it was from their most recent photo shoot; the Christmas edition with brightly colored clothing and background decorations where the five of them waved and grinned goofily while the city's signature fairy lights twinkled in the background. They all had enjoyed themselves. Nostalgically, he took in each of their smiling faces. Kibum’s face seemed to stand out the most because of the little spark of vibrant joy in his eyes, one that everyone saw when their most outspoken member was really having fun. _That happiness hadn’t been directed at him ever since…_ Jonghyun swallowed a lump and concentrated on the street before him, crossing to the next side of the road. 

**Maeil tto geundaewa deunsi**  
**Apeun sangcheowa**  
**Seulpeungieo geul jiwogadeon na**  
**Neol cheoeum bon geu sungayi nan**  
**Meomchun deun da go**  
**Nan neoman boyeosseo...**

Kibum never did smile much during their trainee days. Jonghyun had watched him then, and at times felt like Kibum had it the hardest out of all five of them. Before they were put together, when their group members were being arranged, Jonghyun had heard that Kibum cried a lot. He himself had cried many times as well but when he heard of Kibum’s conditions his self pity flew out the window and he immediately felt bad. Being attached to his own home as well, Jonghyun could fathom how difficult it would have been for Kibum to live in a strange place and deal with their rigorous and often grueling training. 

Their first meeting was a shy one and Kibum hardly met his gaze. He seemed so conscious of his foreignness and abilities that he only shied inwards as they introduced themselves. At that age, harsh criticism and strict scoldings were hard to take. The discipline required of them was on par with adults and none of them had particularly easy days. Between his own tears and sweat, Jonghyun would notice Kibum crying alone, plunging into a depressive mood. Perhaps more than anyone their age should have done. Kibum would keep to himself and shake his head even when other concerned members, especially Jinki, asked about his often red eyes in private. He was stubborn enough not to admit just how depressed and alone he felt.

Sometimes seeing their group in a dip made Jonghyun upset and these were one of his frequent thoughts when he had the time to ponder, which was few and far between. He had wanted to speak up but it seemed impulsive and Jonghyun would have to remind himself of his goals and dreams. In hopes of keeping their overall spirits up, Jonghyun began to keep with Kibum more and help him adapt better. Once he managed a response from the reluctant boy, they had quickly become close friends. One break through was when he offered Kibum a pack of tissues while the younger boy cried, also because Jonghyun did not have anything else that he could give him. Kibum had given him a small smile of gratitude then, the first that Jonghyun had seen since they met. 

**Geochinsilyeone**  
**Muneojyeo gajiman**  
**Huhoeneun eobseul geot gata**  
**Dununeul gameumyeon ni sumgyeoli neukkyeojyeo**  
**Ijeneun nan useul su isseo...**

To see someone smile had always made Jonghyun happy but Kibum’s smile usually gave him the warmest feelings. He always thought that it was because he had seen Kibum in the dumps so frequently during their earlier days, that Kibum laughing and smiling was a miracle. The grown up Kibum was good at masking his true emotions with other alternates and sarcasm was one of them although the members knew that most of it had no malicious intentions. Of late, they had all been worn out and neither bothered to keep up any pretenses in each other's presence. They spent whatever time they had, sorting themselves out and trying to make the best out of whatever it was they did. 

Minho’s birthday two days ago was a chance to bond a little more, for their family to pull back from individual rehearsals and practice to touch base with each other. That was what kept them together no matter the obstacle. Minho would always let loose a little more on his birthday and Jonghyun would catch glimpses to how he supposedly was as a child, excited and grinning with joy on a special day that only arrived once a year. He had hoped that the fans could be able to share in their celebrations and see them in a more casual light. Kibum was happy then too and he and Jonghyun smiled at each other and laughed together. The gap between them was still present but Jonghyun hoped that over time, their trust would begin to mend itself at the seams.

 **So goodbye**  
**Don't cry and smile...**  
**Himyeobdeon sigandeul...**  
**Neol wihaesseo-**  
**Neol wihae ijeobolkkeoya~**

Thinking of Kibum, unlocked a wave of memories and Jonhyun could not help but play back each significant moment they had and their jokes and playful years with Taemin, Minho and Jinki. In the back of his mind, all he could think of was Kibum and he found that his quiet stroll to spend some time with himself was gradually turning into an un-ravelling of emotions. Despite the cold, warm tears brimmed in his eyes and turned his vision into a glassy mirage. Swallowing another painful lump, he held back the need to choke a sob and suppressed the overwhelming emotions. 

Physically, his body was also causing him some grief, whatever leftovers he had in his stomach were completely spent by now. Calories and carbohydrates burnt quickly as he tried to quicken his pace to warm his freezing legs. The cold made him hungry and undeniably, he could feel his energy deplete. The winter cold always affected him with alarming speed. 

“Food is what keeps us warm, Jjongie. We’re boys that will become men. Remember that we still need to eat, especially when we feel cold inside.” 

Kibum’s words rang like a mother’s words of advice and Jonghyun truly did appreciate his nagging but always only when he had gotten himself into the wrong situations. A few steps more and his feet refused to move any faster, his belly rumbled begrudgingly and involuntarily, his teeth bean to chatter. The shops on that row were all closed and none of them were cafes or restaurants. Something to revive his body was required, badly. Their hotel was too far off to turn back, any effort to go back now would have been a stretch.

Through the haze of his sleep-deprived, hunger-laden mind, he stumbled to the left and slammed, nose first into a metal lamp post. A sharp, incredible pain, shot through the bridge of his nose up to the front of his eyes and the base of his forehead, the force of it rendering him senseless for a second. One gloved hand flew up to clutch at the hurting part of his face, the cold surface of the material initially soothing the burn on his nose which had turned into an aching, throbbing sensation. He rubbed his nose and eyes for a moment as the hurt ceased and he straightened up, shaking his addled mind into awareness. The icy layer that had frozen over the metallic surface had only added to the impact and Jonghyun held back a swear, shooting the offending object a small glare before sheepishly hurrying along, embarrassed. Part of him felt further demotivated and insecure, however he blamed it on the lack of a proper meal.

 **So goodbye**  
**Harumseo**  
**Wae ittona**  
**Nan naega pilyohae**  
**I need your love again...**

The added adrenaline from his accident gave him the little boost he needed to make it over to the closest eatery. It was a pub, tucked in the side of a building, shrouded in warm, cosy golden lights and Jonghyun had spotted it easily in the fading light. Days were shorter in winter and evenings approached quickly. Like many other places at this time, it was relatively empty and not busy yet. The fabric chairs on its far end seemed comforting and he decided that it was sufficiently far enough from earshot of the few other customers there. That meant more time for him to be quiet and reflect on himself over a hot chocolate or any other warm drink. Jonghyun decided that what he needed now was to be himself and slowly deal with moving forwards and at least repairing a friendship with Kibum and the others. 

As he warmed himself in his seat by the wall heater, Jonghyun took in the angled view of the shopping square and the fairy lights twinkling merrily on the trees, their colors dancing in the tiny ice crystals in the snow below. The waitress browsed over their promotions as Jonghyun flipped through the menu. When she mentioned a package that came with a free gift for friends and family, the idol made a mental note to stop by one of the interesting shops on his way back. He would have liked to buy something for his noona when he next saw her again but had tucked that thought away because of their schedules. 

As more shoppers found their way to the malls and Jonghyun watched curiously, he knew that Kibum would have most likely been just as enthusiastic to go shopping as he was. Whenever they could, Kibum would hunt for shopping areas in the cities and countries that they toured. He would also have appreciated sharing a hot drink with Jonghyun and chatting on a bench under the trees, surrounded by a snowy fairyland. They had done something similar once and Jonghyun would have liked to re-live it over and over again.

 **Nan naega pilyohae**  
**I need you for... My…. Love…..**

A while ago, he had decided that he needed Kibum, just as he needed everyone else who was close and dear to him. Missing Kibum reminded him of the ever present hole in his heart, it left him feeling icy in every way, even metaphorically. Jonghyun cradled the mug in his hands and savored each sip of the treat, appreciating that the liquid brought a little strength back to his numb limbs. Grateful because he felt as though the very insides of his soul had begun to freeze over.


End file.
